If you’re totally shocked by the title of this piece, you
either don’t have children yet or didn’t have a childhood.
For God’s sake, every child says those three words in that
particular order at some point between age 3 and 53. Before 3, they’re just
about learning to say ‘hate’ and after 53 the parents are mostly dead.
The first time my daughter, who is now at the ripe old age
of 5, said ‘I hate you,’ it totally broke my heart. I felt I had let her and
myself down with my upbringing. I felt I was failing in my role as the
caregiver, the nurturer, the person responsible for her bright future. I was so
obsessed with making things work with her, that the whole 8 hours I was at work
I was designing strategies to win her trust back. When all else failed, I
called my mother for advice – she did after all have the experience of raising
two girls - that’s twice the number of kids I have, ergo, twice the experience;
so what if only one of them is super smart and awesome! But like all mothers,
she started recounting the times I had said that to her, how she never took
that seriously because she knows I love her, and always will and other such
usual mom wisdom. I hung up the phone, “Thanks Ma, I love you!”
But I wasn’t going to let this defining moment in my
relationship with my daughter pass by. I couldn’t just ignore the elephant in
the room; the emotion in the word ‘hate’ is too strong to disregard. I made a
very strong strategy to resolve our conflict. It’s a whole another story that
she showed no signs of recollection of ever having said those three words, when
I picked her up from pre-school. This ‘life-changing’ incident took place when
she was 4, and when I wasn’t as experienced as I am today. First time parents
take everything seriously!
The strategy I used was, to arrive at 6:00 PM to pick her up
from pre-school, instead of at 5: 45, like I did every day. Coming to think of
it, it would have made more sense to arrive early and tell her who the boss
was, instead of arriving at closure, because that’s what she wanted in the
first place, and the reason why ‘she hated me’ – because I picked her up before
her best friend was picked up by her guilty mom- at 1800 hours.
In any case, I have grown more immune, to hearing those three
words, knowing I am not alone in evoking such passionate feelings from my
kindergartener. I would have wished to become wiser, but then again this is my
learning phase - I’ll have enough words of wisdom, when she calls me for help
with her 5-year-old. That’ll be my “Aha! Serves you right!” moment.
Here are reasons you should expect your kid to say ‘I hate
you’ – in case you have an under 5, this may just be your bible.
1.
You ask her to brush her teeth.
Why would you? How can you be so insensitive
as to not let her play with her markers and crayons all day long? Why would you
take the fun away from her just because you can’t bear the stench coming out of
her mouth? She has no problem with it, you heartless above-3-feet-person!
2.
When you walk away from her when she doesn’t
brush.
Why wouldn’t you sit with your child when
she is pursuing her passion of coloring the sheets of paper and threads of
carpet? She wants you to see all the curvy ‘straight lines’ she draws and
laughs with a stinky mouth. But you are just too narrow-minded to in this case,
narrow-nosed to let the stench pass by.
3.
When you ask her to take a bath.
She loves the filth, the muddy stains on
her clothes, the grass blades spiking all over her hair. And the heartless
person that you are, you ask her to wash her hands? Worse, take a bath before
she can eat anything? Do you want her to starve? Notice the brewing drama.
4.
When you tell her, her playdate is canceled.
Even if it was canceled because her date
fell sick and her mom didn’t want to spread the virus. The phrase “Don’t shoot
the messenger” doesn’t make any sense to kids. You said she wouldn’t be able to
have the playdate today, which can only mean that, you caused it. You don’t
want her to have fun, you’d much rather have her stay close to your hip all
day, ask you a million questions, ‘help’ you with cooking and re-clean the mess
she’s cleaned up.
5.
When you throw her art away because it was lying
near the trash, and you know, you thought it was trash.
My daughter makes an average of 7 pieces of
art every day, yes that’s the mean, and I’ve done my math. Some she loves and
keeps them close to the trash, some she discards away and throws into the
trash, because it’s not pretty. I’ve tried really hard to figure out which is
which, but because her aim isn’t that great yet, I find it hard to take the
trash out. But then again, why should trash be taken out?
6.
You watch real people on TV.
Why can’t Dora play all day? Why won’t you
love Arthur as much as she loves him? Why do you have to see boring grownups
and their obnoxious kids on TV? Are you a masochist? It could very well be that
you are a sadist and find it relieving to see that the parents on TV have it
worse than you do, but then again, why can’t you just watch Barney and torture
yourself?
7.
You didn’t make mac-n-cheese today.
What are these green yucky things you call
vegetables? Why are they good for health? How come they taste so yucky if
they’re good for health, and how come food that tastes so yummy is bad for you?
Why do you ration Cola and chips? How can you be so cruel?
8.
You only bought a present for her friend, not
for her, even though it’s not her birthday.
The rule is, when you go to the toy store,
and if you make the mistake of taking your kid along, you need to buy one for
her too. After all, the toy store will struggle, if you didn’t buy the fifth
box of the toy that she already has and you’ve never seen her playing with at
home. How could you?
The thing is, my daughter does say ‘I hate you’ now and then.
Sometimes I let her be and it takes a minute of silence to convince my
extremely extraverted child to realize she’s hurt my feelings; and sometimes I
react and ask her to go to her room to ‘think about what she’s done.’ I don’t
know if she thinks while playing with her princess castle, but she surely comes
back down to apologize when she’s hungry. Like my progenitor said, I too know
she doesn’t mean it, and I truly believe that I am doing my best for my
offspring. After all, she does say “I love you” more than she says the other
less-desirable, three words.
Oh and I forgot, does she use your laptop to ‘learn’ math, and
does your work require extensive use of the keyboard? That’s an “I hate you”
right there, waiting to happen!
